Wishes in Your Hair

April 27, 2011 at 5:39 pm (Ruminations.)

There was only one dandelion along the path, and we walked for several more yards before another one appeared. Strange, because usually weeds seem to stick together. Marissa picked the dandelion and handed it to Ashira.

“Make a wish,” she said, “then blow.”

I saw another one down the way and I ran ahead to pick it. I handed it to Marissa and she smiled and giggled. They were both totally in the moment – purely unaware of any cares in the world. We walked along and they each made a wish… and blew.

“OH NO, Wendy, you have wishes in your hair! My wishes went all over you!”

A few more blocks and we arrived at the farmer’s market. It was in full swing, full of people, full of energy…  full of life. We walked, in search of an artisan loaf of bread to compliment the feast we were preparing at the houses, stopping for a fresh squeezed lemonade along the way. It was a beautiful evening, as San Diego evenings often are in April. The air was perfect, and it was starting to drop into that time of day when the light was so gorgeously thick you could almost see the color in the air… pink.

I remembered many months ago I was in the same Sunset Market on an evening during a very sad time in my life. It was an attempt to act like everything was ok, like everything was normal, to go and do something to enjoy the night, something different, something…. pleasant. To pretend that things were ok. I remember walking around trying to relax and be… normal… and seeing everyone buzzing around me, big smiles on their faces, laughter, beauty, families and friends visibly and energetically linked in pure enjoyment of the warm night. I remember truly not being able to empathize with happiness… or understand how anyone could have anything to truly smile about. Thinking that everyone was foolish to believe that happiness had any authenticity because in reality its all a lie, everything is lies… and anyone who would believe that there is stability in happiness is a fool, just like I was.

And I guess it truly is all lies in a way, but I understand it now in a way that I didn’t at that time. The world is definitely full of lies, but reality is different for me now. I look back and my heart breaks for that person who was trying to find normal. Hanging on by a tiny thread, slowly – and very unbalanced – stepping one foot in front of the other… walking through the fire… and grasping tightly to the stem of that life that used to be, not knowing how to let go and let myself blow away. God was telling me for a long time to let go, and when I finally got the strength to… loosen my grip…

I blew into the wind like dust from a dandelion, some wish, some afterthought of a little girl walking along the city street, purely in the moment of joy. Off into the deliciously orange light in the sky into a life as it was meant to be. A life born of the spirit.

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