Two Years

September 17, 2011 at 4:59 am (Ruminations.)

This is my reality.

And no matter how much I pretend that it never happened, how much I erase the references to my previous life, how many times I change my names, how many times I delete the word ‘husband’ from previous notes, it doesn’t change the fact that it happened.

This is my reality, and this is what happened.

Two years ago today my life was shattered.

I’m stronger now than I was two years ago. And this time around won’t be as hard as the last. But nothing can ever change the fact that two years ago my life was shattered.

This is my reality.

I can see it in slow motion, like a glass sphere… maybe even a crystal ball… dropping, free falling in delayed time, spinning and reflecting the light so delicately and slowly, falling slowly and surely to the ground, and then the impact of the fall. Pieces fly everywhere, some big, some small. From the motion and the impact the fly up into the air, some close and some far, some we may never know where they finally land.

I can also visualize it as a puddle, after the storm… many times, looking back, I referred to it as God stomping right into the middle of my life. And the water splashes so far and high, with such violence, maybe even in the middle of the pouring rain, and getting totally eaten alive by the storm.

Sometimes I hate that I am so date oriented. Sometimes I hate that there is such a line drawn in my life. Such a clear before and after. But I understand that is how it had to be.

Facebook has this new(ish) function where they have a little window on the side that says ‘On this day in 2009’ or whatever year you happened to have posted something on that day, and it shows what status you posted last year or the year before. Two days ago is when it hit me, I saw a post from 2009 that said ‘Happy to be home’.

It all flooded back right then, and funny thing is I hadn’t even thought about it until that moment. What a stark contrast from last year, when I came up on the first year anniversary (smack dab in the middle of me trying to extract myself from my previous life), and could barely eat without wanting to vomit. Scratch that, I just didn’t eat.

I came home from this amazing long trip to see my family. I stayed with Margaret while she was on bed rest with her pregnancy with Calvin. It was a blessing, in more ways than I could know at that time. Then I topped it off with a quick trip up to the LBK to get some more love from my family, and then home to San Diego.

Its very clear in my brain. We were driving home from the airport a couple days before and he told me he had lied to me. Again. I went through my standard speech about how we would never be able to have a good relationship until he came clean of everything.

Little did I know.

That I was about to get hit by a train.



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