Wishes in Your Hair

April 27, 2011 at 5:39 pm (Ruminations.)

There was only one dandelion along the path, and we walked for several more yards before another one appeared. Strange, because usually weeds seem to stick together. Marissa picked the dandelion and handed it to Ashira.

“Make a wish,” she said, “then blow.”

I saw another one down the way and I ran ahead to pick it. I handed it to Marissa and she smiled and giggled. They were both totally in the moment – purely unaware of any cares in the world. We walked along and they each made a wish… and blew.

“OH NO, Wendy, you have wishes in your hair! My wishes went all over you!”

A few more blocks and we arrived at the farmer’s market. It was in full swing, full of people, full of energy…  full of life. We walked, in search of an artisan loaf of bread to compliment the feast we were preparing at the houses, stopping for a fresh squeezed lemonade along the way. It was a beautiful evening, as San Diego evenings often are in April. The air was perfect, and it was starting to drop into that time of day when the light was so gorgeously thick you could almost see the color in the air… pink.

I remembered many months ago I was in the same Sunset Market on an evening during a very sad time in my life. It was an attempt to act like everything was ok, like everything was normal, to go and do something to enjoy the night, something different, something…. pleasant. To pretend that things were ok. I remember walking around trying to relax and be… normal… and seeing everyone buzzing around me, big smiles on their faces, laughter, beauty, families and friends visibly and energetically linked in pure enjoyment of the warm night. I remember truly not being able to empathize with happiness… or understand how anyone could have anything to truly smile about. Thinking that everyone was foolish to believe that happiness had any authenticity because in reality its all a lie, everything is lies… and anyone who would believe that there is stability in happiness is a fool, just like I was.

And I guess it truly is all lies in a way, but I understand it now in a way that I didn’t at that time. The world is definitely full of lies, but reality is different for me now. I look back and my heart breaks for that person who was trying to find normal. Hanging on by a tiny thread, slowly – and very unbalanced – stepping one foot in front of the other… walking through the fire… and grasping tightly to the stem of that life that used to be, not knowing how to let go and let myself blow away. God was telling me for a long time to let go, and when I finally got the strength to… loosen my grip…

I blew into the wind like dust from a dandelion, some wish, some afterthought of a little girl walking along the city street, purely in the moment of joy. Off into the deliciously orange light in the sky into a life as it was meant to be. A life born of the spirit.

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Hunkered Down

April 27, 2011 at 12:17 am (Ruminations.)

I was standing in my old bedroom on Easter when it really hit me how heavy it had all been. For some reason at that moment the storm I just came out of crystalized very clearly in my mind… and how my little sanctuary on Celinda had been such a God send.

I was thinking about how just a few months before – on Thanksgiving, in fact – this journey we call life started to take a very interesting turn for me, when I was hiding away in that very room. As if it wasn’t interesting enough already… but this was a good interesting… maybe the point where the good started to clearly outweigh the negativity.

I had been living at Elizabeth’s for just barely over a month. At the end of October I had moved everything in after the house sold and basically settled down just long enough to gain energy to take flight a few days later. I flew four states over to my family… to Texas. Before leaving I jokingly called this much needed retreat my ‘weep and sleep’, but in the end it turned out to be just the opposite. Lots of visiting, lots of friends, lots of family and – most of all – lots of love.

I returned ‘home’ to Celinda having no idea what God would have in store for me next, feeling numb… broken… but loved. Somehow I instinctively knew I needed to hunker down for the winter, but I never would have verbalized it that way at the time. I just kept saying I needed to get through the holidays, that 2010 needed to die a quiet death.

In the couple of weeks up to Thanksgiving the discomfort in my life was palpable… trying to figure out what ‘normal’ is, feeling numb and just not knowing what to do with myself half the time. Several pity invites to Thanksgiving meals surfaced, and though I appreciated each and every one of them, when Kristin called to invite me to an intimate meal at her home I could have cried from relief. I just needed family and this was the closest I had after we had been living together for a month and a half earlier in the year.

So Thanksgiving with my German friends it was… and it was lovely. I drove home later feeling the same numbness and discomfort I had been sitting in for awhile, and I walked into a party at Elizabeth’s, right smack in the middle of the ‘what are you thankful for’ moment. Domino, in typical form, made a grand entrance, running in the front door and making a beeline for the pumpkin bread on the coffee table, licking everyone as he passed, interrupting Jesse as he was saying what he was thankful for, me chasing after trying to contain the hound. I retreated to my room for a few minutes feeling totally out of place and then I felt compelled to get back out there and be with people. I walked back in, sat in the back, and held onto the only stable thing in my life – my puppy – for dear life.

They asked me what I was thankful for… for me it was the roof over my head and being surrounded by people who love me. The holiday moment broke into games and chit chat and I decided it would be healthier for myself to stay involved instead of isolating. And over the course of the evening I started to spend time and get to know the people that would within the matter of a few weeks become my family.

Five months later – almost to the day – standing in my old room on Easter I couldn’t help but think about that long, cold winter. The nights getting longer, the days getting shorter. That damn room was FREEZING… windows weren’t sealed well and always leaked in cold air. Many cold nights of just trying to BE, hanging on to the only stable thing in my life… my puppy. Trying to figure out how to take care of myself, but not knowing how. Having no appetite and surviving on bananas and snack bars. Reading my Bible, or trying at least… sometimes just holding it and staring at the words unable to absorb. But always intimately aware and able to absorb the silent love being poured on me from all the beautiful people in my life. My family, my friends that are now my family, God, Jesus, and all the prayers, all the prayers so thick they were palpable even though I didn’t know who they were coming from.

Trying to ride the wave of God’s power in my life as everything fell apart perfectly, as everything broke into pieces, silently shattering… falling through the air in slow motion… hunkering down, riding out the aftermath of the storm, waiting for spring to break on a new and better life.

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Still Warm from the…

April 21, 2011 at 3:08 pm (Ruminations.)

It was…. a morning…

A morning of frustration, but also full of clear reminders of how much love is in my life.

Yesterday my car wouldn’t start. I was lucky enough to borrow my neighbor Kat’s car for the afternoon so I could make it to my appointment, thank God for that. I thought maybe I had left a light on or something and had Rodney take a look and then we jumped it late last night. I drove it around a little while to charge it, killed the engine, restarted it, all good… or so I thought.

Got around to my day this morning and then it occurred to me I should probably check my car for power. Sure enough – it was dead. Jumped it, drove around a bit, came back to the house, killed it… tried to restart it… no dice… called my neighbor out again… Rodney!!!! So glad to have a neighbor that knows about cars.

Then there was this moment where I was again reminded of the earth, of God, of my blessings, so many that I don’t feel I deserve. In the middle of scrambling trying to get someone to jump my car again, calling the dealership to check on my warranty, talking to my house / community mates, sorting out a car for later today…. my house mate was cooking breakfast. There were eggs on the counter… fresh from the chickens. There were two left and I was quick enough to claim them before anyone else saw. What better time to treat myself to a nice breakfast, right? Got the fire going under the pan and picked up the egg to crack it… it was still warm. I asked Marcos, “Was this fresh from this morning? It’s still warm…” and he said “Yep, still warm from the chicken’s butt”. I have never had such a fresh egg in my life, and it is so NOT the norm in our culture… it is still tripping me out.

I have to consider how removed we are in this world – this culture – from the natural order of… well, I guess of nature. God’s natural order, the way life was designed to be. A little while later Glenn came in after the backyard chicken’s eggs, but they were all gone at that point. I told him we have eggs in the fridge, from the store, and he settled, but after having the experience of a warm egg the store bought just seemed so odd to even offer to someone.

So my car was still busted… no quick solution, although I am blessed to borrow a car this afternoon to go about my business. I worked from home for a bit and then walked to the green house backyard to find Rodney to check in on my car before walking to a coffee shop to do some business. I ran into my beautiful sister Erin in the yard and she passed on to me a gorgeous flower… actually placed it right on my ear. Totally made my afternoon. Before walking out onto the palm lined street I ran into 3 other people in the backyard, and picked a strawberry and ate it from the garden….

Still warm from the shining sun…

I took one bite and a giant smile came across my face, and Rodney said “It’s as simple as that?” Yes… actually it is… it doesn’t take all that much to make me happy. Maybe that’s why I’m so grateful right now.

I realized that strawberry… long before I ever dreamed of moving into community with these people there was a garden work day and I was there… and I helped plant those strawberries. So I did work for some of my food today!

As I walked by the chicken pen I passed on some of life’s loving energy to the chickens, through to the front yard and out onto… the palm lined street.

Thank you Lord for your provision in my life. I will fear no evil for my God is with me. Every step of the way.

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Backyard Yoga … Dinner from the Garden

April 20, 2011 at 2:26 pm (Ruminations.)

It was a moment where I was in total bliss and communion with nature and with God. It was during yoga this morning – the second Backyard Yoga class we’ve had on the slab behind the purple house. The class was small this time, just me, the teacher and Glenn. So it was like a private lesson, underneath the chill grey sky and a couple of palm trees… it was… Divine.

The idea started a couple weeks ago a woman from down the street rode her bike by our community while we were holding the Backyard Farming class and she stopped her beach cruiser to check out what was going on. We chatted and she shared that she is in school for yoga. We threw around the idea of hosting a class in our backyard. The first class was a great success – happiness all around. The second was just as delicious – it just feels….. right.

The moment of bliss was during one of the poses… I don’t remember the name. But it started with prayer pose, then forward bend, then lunge… then we brought the torso up and ended up with arms in cactus. So there was this moment of balancing in the lunge pose with arms up and then opening the arms out and up, opening the hands, and the chest. Openness is the best way to describe it… I felt open and ready to receive.

You can call it whatever you want, but I was ready to receive the positivity, the energy, God and Christ… and whatever blessings God has in store for me. I don’t know how it could get any better than this, but I have a feeling this is just the tip of the iceburg.

After yoga I sipped some ginger tea to start my day and went about my activities. I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed and behind these days, but I’m keeping afloat … somehow … that would be a God thing I guess. After running around for a couple hours I ended up back at home working from my room in the evening, and before sundown I took a wooden bowl and went out into the green house backyard to harvest some veggies for dinner. I just picked a little chard, broccoli and peas, ended up sauteing them later with a little oil, some soy sauce, red pepper from Fillipi’s, a little roasted chicken thrown in to the mix. I can’t really describe the satisfaction of picking my dinner straight from the garden and having organic deliciousness at my disposal like that. I am so grateful to be a part of this community where I can take advantage of the garden even when I don’t have the time at the moment to devote to helping in it. But I guess that’s part of how we all love each other.

Thank you – Lord – for placing me right where I am in my life. It doesn’t always make sense, but I have faith and I trust.

‘May the flower in me shine bright to the beautiful flower in you….namaste.’

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